Monday, November 10, 2008

Cockroach Chronicles: Part Two (Ewww!)

So I didn't creep you out enough yesterday. You're back for more! It's like sniffing a sponge over and over. Or smelling sour milk repeatedly. You just have to go back and make sure it is as bad as you thought it was the first time.

Have you ever stepped on a roach barefoot? More specifically, a roach on carpet, while in your half asleep 2am stupor trying to make it to the toilet? Roaches are cold. For three long years I flipped on the bright hallway light to make sure there were no roaches dying on the path to the toilet. I would say 50 percent of the time, there was one there acting as a road block.

But that pales in comparison to what happened next.

We made plans to go hike a water fall with friends. We got ready and went to pick them up. We made the hour drive to the falls, got out and began the hike. It took about 45 minutes to get to the falls. In all, from the time I put my shoes on earlier that day, until I reached the waterfall, it was 4 hours.

I hate wrinkles in my socks. I kept feeling like there was a wrinkle in the heel of my sock. I pulled and pulled but there was no possible way it was a wrinkle. I thought maybe it was a tiny little twig or piece of straw that wedged its way in there. I suffered through, trying to ignore it, like my mom always told me when I had sock-wrinkle phobia as a child. When we got to the top of the trail, I'd had enough. I took my shoe off to see what was causing me the discomfort.
Do you see where I'm going with this???

It was a big, fat, juicy cockroach! I started hopping backwards on one foot, with my hands over my ears, shrieking like a crazy girl. My shrieks turned into howls and tears and actual retching. My husband and our two friends thought I was having some kind of a seizure. Everyone at the previously peaceful falls watched in horror. I was convulsing and managed to spit out, "R-r-r-r- (retch) ROACH. ROACH. SHOE." (retch again). My husband and his friend ran over to the shoe, kicked out the roach, and grabbed some rocks and started stoning it to death. I will never, EVER forget how many direct hits it took until it finally died.

The creepiest thing is that it was trapped under my heel for four hours, and it was still alive. (Now is not the time to tell me that horrid story about how roaches live for a week with their heads cut off. I already YouTubed it. I cannot discuss.)

I ripped the contaminated sock off, refused to put my shoe back on, and hobbled the rest of the way back to the car.

And if you mention "sock", chances are.....I have a roach story to go with it. Fast forward a few years. Parent's house again. Put on a fresh pair of socks to wear around their house (no shoes rule). Something was tickling my pinkie toe. I screamed and said it felt like a fly was in my sock! My sister said, "With your luck, it's probably not a fly, but a roach." I ripped that sock off and there was a baby roach that was cut in half but still alive. Cut in half by my pinkie toenail. And did I mention, still alive?! And you know I don't have to actually type the word 'screaming' for you to visualize me now.

So the last roach story of Cockroach Chronicles: Part Two, happened again on a summer's evening at my parents' house. We were coming to get the kids after an evening of house hunting without them. My son was a whiny baby, and he was crying and looking out the living room window as we pulled up. I got out of the car, walked up and rapped on the window and make funny faces at him to make him laugh. I swatted away some mosquitoes and moths that were hangin' out near the porch light.

I walked in the door. I felt something run across my face and down my neck. I didn't need to let me imagination run, because my sister's eyes were as giant as saucers, mouth wide open, no sound coming out, staring at me. I did the Roach Run (again visualize Jennifer Grey in Ferris Bueller's Day Off), slapping my face and screaming at the top of my lungs. I slapped that foul beast off my face, it slid across the kitchen floor, looked at me (it's true!) and ran back into the living room.

What is it with me and the bug I fear the most? I can honestly say I have never eaten one on accident, and if I did, you better believe you'd never see another blog post again. I'd be gone. Dead, that is. I know I'd have a heart attack. And if my children ever ate one, well, I'd have to get new ones. Not really. But I might not look at them the same again.

And why are there so many stories about roaches entering body orifices at night? Ears, noses, blehhhh,...and even stories of them eating eye lases and toenails. I. Have. To. Stop. This. Post. Now. For. Sanity's. Sake.


Deb said...

"Ewwwww" doesn't cut it. You need to get a holster with cans of Raid, the kind that shoots a 25' stream, to wear around your waist AT ALL TIMES.

I couldn't watch that whole video. I made it until the roaches came out of the drain.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy, she says! Yuk! How about getting a mosquito net for your bed to keep them out?

Is there a part 3 to come?

(Very) Lost in France said...

Omigod! This has brought back so many horrible memories of my time in the Middle East. I remember going into the bathroom to see one (at least a foot long, I'm sure of it!) climbing out of the sink. I screamed. My flatmate came running with the can of Raid. We sprayed and sprayed it. It laughed in our faces and ran up the door jamb, where it hung there, trapping us in the bathroom. We both screamed. It ran off across the bedroom floor. We made it to the bed, still screaming as it ran around on the floor. We sprayed it some more. It laughed, but not quite so hard... Eventually we cornered the little sucker by the door. We emptied a can of Raid on it but still it lived. We emptied another can of Raid on it until it died (or drowned most likely). The police arrived, having been called by a neighbour who thought he was hearing a domestic disturbance! Nasty icky things - cockroaches, not policemen! VLiF

Cassoulet Cafe said...

DEB: Great idea!! Thank goodness I haven't seen a single roach where we currently live.

Speaking of, last year we sold our house and we were looking for a rental. We went to look at this really nice home...I walked into the kitchen and there were about 12 cans of Raid on the counter. NO WAY JOSE! I ran from the house and told the property manager no way! Not very good marketing tactics they had.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

ALienne: I'm not sure if there is a 3 to come this week. I think I pushed myself over the edge with the video.
I left that apartment 10 years ago and haven't had a roach house again. Phew! But even so, mosquito nets are no protection against these nasty creatures who can make themselves flat to get where they want to go. Blehhhhhh.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Very Lost,
Thank you SO MUCH for coming by and commenting with your hilarious story! That would have been AWFUL...being trapped in your bathroom with that roach laughing at you...and I TOTALLY believe he laughed at you, no matter what anyone says! ;)
(have you heard they can live one week without their heads?) Excuse me while I go shower, I've got the heebity bajebbitties.

~TessaScoffs said...

Woman, you have the WORST luck regarding cockroaches. I'm all out of roach stories (I think) but I have a feeling you have a few more up your sleeve (or in your sock). And a word to the in-laws, you should be exempt from the no shoes rule because of your past trauma!

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Yup, I do. Thankfully I haven't had any recent attacks. But I did watch a very nasty episode of Verminators, and I am proud to say i NEVER EVER had roaches like THAT. With roach feces and everything. Oh, wait, I thought of another roach story that I can't believe I forgot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is everyone up for a short part three????? Or should I just let it go?

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

OMGosh. remind me to walk three miles behind you. LOL
I will be checking EVERY sock or shoe I own from now on. . . and gulp, drains. but I dont have THREE cats and a dog for nothing you know. LOL

La Belette Rouge said...

The image of you doing the la coocarocha dance with a cockroach in your sock made me snort with laughter. If I ever found a snake in my shoes or sock I would just die and never live to tell the tale, so you are a braver and more resilient gal than I am.
Your Samos Sestre(what was the spelling?)

Vicki said...

AAAGGGGHHH!! My toes are curling. I was laughing at the story then I started to retch too. If that were me I would have fallen off the mountain or whatever kind of trail you were on...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today!

Le laquet said...

Blaaah!!!! Horrible. I had a similar experience with a shongololo - a giant African millipede in a hotel room in Durban. Scarred for life ~ can't even begin to watch the video. And let's not talk about the evening when the slug squished between my toes!!

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

I think I just died...and, if I were you, I would sleep with earplugs. Seriously. FYI, roaches cannot go backwards so (and I'm sorry to gross you out here, but I think it's for the best you know this info)if you ever get one in your ear, pour rubbing alcohol in it to kill the beast. That's what the Dr. told my sis after it happened to my BIL.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Coconut Cake,
First of all, i HAVE to go visit your blog....I adore coconut :) great name for a blog.

Second, if I lived in Hawaii, or in our old apartment where this happened, I would indeed start sleeping with earplugs. Thank GOODNESS we do not have a single roach where we live now. But, if one ever crawled in my ear, I assure you, the roach would win, because I would never stay alive long enough to pour the rubbing alcohol in and kill him.
Wait, let's go back....they CANNOT GO BACKWARDS?? Oh. My.....I hate them EVEN MORE now.