Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Arizona, Part 1

So we just got home Sunday night from a "vacation". Hubby had to go to Arizona for work, so we decided to extend it out so we had two weekends to do some touristy things. Our first mistake was flying Allegiant Air. Ok, so it wasn't a total mistake, I mean, who can deny a $29-each-way-flight? Well, there were some catches, like $30 per checked bag, and also that you are obliged to pick your seats for $16 per seat, per way. But we still got a great deal. Which sort of soothed the 2 hour delays going and coming. Sort of.

While we were waiting to depart in the airport, Spazzy The Two Year Old caught an airport worker lady's attention. This lady was nice enough, first commenting on her terrible cough and making sure I gave her some meds for the flight. But then she started talking to Spazzy with the most annoying baby talk I think I've ever heard. I would be safe to say that it would be the kind of baby talk you would stop doing to a baby at, oh, 1 month old max. And she didn't get a clue that it was upsetting Spazzy (thus making life harder for me). And she didn't stop there. She said, "Mom and Dad, can I sing her a little song?" Being that I am usually only rude and confrontational with people in my head, with imaginary replies that I never act on, I nicely said yes to her request, though I was horrified that a stranger was going to sing in front of all these people waiting to get on the same plane as us. I sooooo hate having attention cast in our direction, I'm very self conscious and like to blend in, not stand out.

Well, Crazy Airport Lady's song started, and it was baaaaaad. The voice was bad. The song was nerdy and very newborn-babyish. And it required Spazzy to "wave bye byyyyye". But Spazzy hid under her Cookie Monster (her ugly blue blanket she calls Cookie Monster that is a permanent fixture around her body), and would have none of this interaction the lady so desperately wanted with her. She kept singing the last line over and over, for her to wave bye-byyyyyyye. Spazzy started screaming from under Cookie Monster. The lady still wouldn't get a clue. Finally, I said, "You know, she doesn't feel good, she's been sick and she's a very shy girl." The lady was perplexed that this song works with her grandchild, but not my child. Finally, she left....yes, singing. "Bye byyyyyyyyye". About 20 minutes later, I was strolling Spazzy through the airport for the 39th time that evening, and who should we run into but Crazy Airport Singer Lady! Spazzy screams at the sight of her and CASL starts singing again! I pushed the stroller faster trying to get out of there, this time not even acknowleging the CASL.

Finally, we were cleared to board the plane, after being in the airport for 4 hours. During the flight, Spazzy feel asleep (thankfully, because she thought it was fun to kick the seat in front of her), but "because Allegiant Air is a Vegas-based airline, we are going to do a raffle to win prizes!" screamed the over-zealous flight attendant on the blow-your-ears-out PA system. It was so loud, that I actually acted like a toddler myself and covered my ears and rolled my eyes and made gasping noises. After that was over, luckily Spazzy was still asleep, the toddler across the aisle from me started howling and pummeling his parents. They seemed to be clueless as to how to entertain him. Being more worried about my own discomfort if my toddler woke up, I started trying to entertain this child to get him to pipe down. It worked. But this wasn't me relaxing on the plane with a sleeping toddler. This was work. And I was doing his parents' work! Still, I was too terrified of Spazzy waking up to stop entertaining this boy.

Two hours later, we landed and made our way to the car rental line. It seems like we attract crazy people to talk to us. I don't know why. We don't stare, we don't call attention to ourselves, we don't even make eye contact. But somehow the only drunk woman in the tiny Mesa airport, who by the way dressed and looked like a man, complete with a Hooters baseball cap to to pull off the look, tried to befriend my husband in line. She was loud. She was opinionated. She dropped the F bomb in between each and every word. She had no sense of personal space. And did I mention she was sloshed? She was also named April. She really looked more like an Arnold to me.

We eventually got our rental car, left April/Arnold in the dust, and added another loud-mouthed, opinionated traveler to our group of five. Her name was Fergie. Fergie Garmin....give a give a give a give a Garrrrmin. I shouldn't harp on Fergie, she did get us to Panda Express in a jiffy, Starbucks when we needed it, and most importantly she found an In n Out Burger! But she did try to kill us once. Driving up to the steep road to the Prescott Resort, she commanded us to take a right....right off a cliff! And once she was very emphatic that we had arrived at our destination, when it was just a empty lot in the desert with a lone saguaro cactus and not the steakhouse we thought we were going to. She also woke Spazzy up with her commands, or forgot to command us at all. We think Fergie is the great-grandmother of the Garmins.

To be continued....



Braja said...

Ahh, don't you just love the generosity of airlines giving such cheap flights, no strings? :)

Jaci said...

OMG, this is so funny! The singing airport lady had me cracking up! (Now I'm picturing Will Ferrel in ELF singing horribly in public places.)

If you have a video camera, I demand that you re-enact the whole song for the enjoyment of the blogging community. :)

La Belette Rouge said...

Crazy airport lady!! Wow! I just wonder what is going on in her head. And, I am so with Jaci. I would LOVE a masterpiece theater of this with you playing all the parts, even of April/Arnold.

WV is "isock". Macintosh has gotten into the clothing business. It has a whole range of clothing to choose from: isock, isweater, iunderwear, and ipants.

Completely Alienne said...

Oh no. I have multiple flights to, from and all over Egypt coming up over Christmas and New Year and suddenly everyone is desperate to tell me their flight horror stories! People at work are practically queueing up to have a go at worrying me and now you add a mad airport singing lady! I have a stunning 14 year old redhead who always attracts weirdos; I am beginning to dread the thought of what will Egypt may to offer us!

Denise said...

You do attract weird crazys dont you? LOL Our Garmin has tried to kill us too. And it has given us 3 different directions to the same place 3 times. It is hard to trust it sometimes.

Paula said...

What a horrible flight story! and a crazy people story- so funny! Garmins scare me but at the same time I love them- so I feel your pain :) Great Post

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Oh yeah, and I just love the "meals" they have for purchase. I laugh in their face! :)

Totally like Will Ferrel in Elf!!! And, um, I would rather eat a bug than video tape myself singing. I don't even sing in front of Hubby. lol Hey, Jaci, why don't YOU video tape your version of my post....pleeeeeze????

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Dear, dear Samos Sis,
Oh no no no no...i could NEVER ever sing in front of anyone except my kids! I think you and Jaci should play and video your versions of my post, and post it on your blogs...I'd love you guys foreeeeeeeverrrrrr! :)

Oh yes, you're going to have weirdos attracted to you, because you came and read my post. I tend to make things like that happen. lol Don't ask me how. It just always happens.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Thankfully we just rented Fergie, because I probably would have thrown her down the cliff. Actually, she was pretty helpful most of the time, but the time she messed up, it was BAD.

Yaya said... talk!

trogblog said...

Is that one of those blankets with the sleeves that they sell on TV. The one with the creepy family watching some sporting event together?

Le laquet said...

Aha ... so nice to know that I am not the only one with an 'idiot magnet' buried under the skin of my forehead! I shall save the story of the "Welsh* national anthem playing Breton bag-piper" who serenaded us for the whole of a 2 week holiday for another time. {shudders}

* how he found out I was Welsh I don't know?!?

Kim said...

Love it...laughing, need to laugh...

Sounds like you Crazy Airport Lady should meet my Dying Burping Man. I hate flying...

Fergie watched too much Thelma&Louise...GPS systems can get cocky, ya know..

your blog is the heart-felt and witty writing in every post!